How could I forget? I was so busy thinking about other things yesterday that I completely forgot that it was the two year anniversary of my diagnosis. Yet, I think it’s quite a healthy thing. For me it feels that I haven’t made it a priority, that I have other interests to fill that thinking time. That doesn’t mean that I can forget that I have ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia. You can’t when your body is full of so many symptoms. I’m restricted every day in what I can do. But I have made the concerted effort (albeit slowly) to think away from them and think about others, interests and things I can do.
So two years ago, how were things then? Well, I was severely depressed and extremely brain-fogged. I had to give up my job, didn’t know if I would cope financially and the future was a bleak and dark place. Brain fog is not having the ability to think, remember or the ability to understand properly. That its severest form. That’s how it was for me back then. I couldn’t get past the pain in my body, how uncomfortable it was to sit or lie down. Noise and light could become too much for me. You can read more about it here.
So has there been any improvement? Yes and no. Two years ago I couldn’t have written this blog article, let alone read a book. My brain wouldn’t allow for the concentration needed. Very gradually I have helped myself by not stressing about things I can’t change, doing only what I can and being grateful for the invention of the microwave. Being grateful for the smallest things has helped me too. I’m grateful for the long days we’re having, the breeze for keeping me cool, for Skype for keeping in contact with family. I still sometimes have to push to think of something as the depression can be quite soul-destroying. But for every bad day I have several better days to make up for it.
The only thing that has got worse for me is my mobility. I get terrible pain in my legs and feet which makes walking a problem. A few days ago I ironed a pair of trousers – just the trousers. The next day I was in terrible pain. Even standing for too long (a few minutes or more) can make my body feel like a dense, heavy weight on my legs and feet. I live in a first floor flat and if I take out the rubbish, after walking back up the stairs, I’m sweating and have to lie down because I feel as though I’m going to faint.
A few months back I had a dream that I was better. It was wonderful. No exhaustion, no pain. I was running and feeling great. It was a bit annoying to wake up. But I do wonder if my brain is trying to tell me something. Perhaps, eventually, my body will recover. We’ll see.